Our Self Esteem is a measure of our ability to live up to our Ideal Self.
Our Ideal Self is the person we strive to be; our Self-Image is who we think we are now; and our Self Esteem is how we feel about the gap between the two. Our Self Esteem will tend to fluctuate depending on how well we measure up to our Ideal Self, or how we feel about our ability to live up to it. The opinions of others can heavily influence this, but setting these aside helps clarify the issues.
There can be a wide disparity between the person that we think we are and the person we would like to be. If our Ideal Self is significantly grandiose compared to our current lifestyle (we aspire to be a world-class athlete, but we are an inveterate couch potato), we will likely feel disgruntled, disheartened, and possibly even depressed. In which case, we need to downsize our Ideal Self to feel good about ourselves. That’s what I needed to do when I realised that I was never going to play guitar like Jimi Hendrix (and also realised that I wasn’t motivated to give it that much effort), but I could still have fun playing music. I have no complaints about how my life has turned out because I’ve read the life stories of a few of my guitar heroes and realised that I’m much happier just being me. For one thing, I’ve already lived a lot longer than most of them!
If, instead, our Ideal Self is too limited, we could be playing small. This could be because we fear that those around us will be envious and will give us a hard time if we outdo them. If that is the case, or for some other reason we are limiting ourselves, we might find that we have fantasies which embody the energy which we need to take on; it does not necessarily mean that we need to take the fantasy literally. Having rock star fantasies can mean we need more of that “rock star” energy in our life (such as being bolder and living larger); it might not mean we have to follow the path to actually becoming a rock star.
You can fulfill your fantasies and the unlived parts of your life by expressing their energy rather than taking them literally.
This is especially true if the fantasies arise at a later stage in life, and those fantasy images are entirely unrealistic. For example, I have a friend who has fantasies about being a samurai warrior. Aside from the fact that such a lifestyle is no longer practical or even legal, other, more personal reasons prevent him from following up on that. He has significant health issues, has never been to Japan, and has no plans to do so. Yet, odd as it might seem, such fantasies can be very useful if used rightly. For instance, learning about the warrior code of the Samurai and the boldness, courage, and sense of honor that such a lifestyle required helps him face his challenges with greater dignity and Self Esteem.
If we work with the energy behind our fantasies and the qualities of character they embody, they bring us much practical and inspirational value. It can help to notice what events or situations trigger a particular fantasy and what qualities we could cultivate to be more like the fantasy figure. In this way, we can discover how to express our unlived life and the urges and feelings arising from our fantasy life, thereby making it practical and helpful rather than a distraction.
Sometimes, the Self Image can have negative traits if a person is overly focused on what is “wrong” with them, or if they have decided they are no good or are just a failure in life. This can cause them to identify with an “anti-hero” as part of their Self-Image. They may even look for ways to take pride in being a “loner” or a “loser,” or in how “helpless” or “clueless” they can be. This might be a rebellion against the social code of a society where they feel that they don’t fit in. However, if it is a rebellion against their Ideal Self, as it arises from within them, this will create an intense inner conflict. Sooner or later, they will need to compromise with society at least enough to be able to express aspects of their Ideal Self. Living too much in isolation, or too much from an “anti-hero” Self Image, can prevent them from developing many of the character qualities of their Ideal Self. Our Ideal Self often epitomises our natural moral code, the voice of our conscience, irrespective of the society around us, and we cannot ignore it for long and expect to be true to ourselves.
A conflict between the different elements of our personality can be triggered by a need to change the images we hold of ourselves. The need for change may arise from life circumstances that prompt us to refine our moral code, such as a brush with the law, or it can stem from an inner pressure to become a better person. One way to consider this inner pressure is as a conflict between the Angel and the Dragon.