We might assume that our Ideal Self is all about the better parts of our nature, but there is much more to it than that. Our Ideal Self may also hold primitive or immature aspects of ourselves which we have rejected because we, or the society around us, has decided they are not acceptable. These aspects may be immature because they have not had the opportunity to develop and become fully integrated. For example, we may have an “angry” streak and try to suppress it. Whereas, the deeper answer may be to resolve it by learning how to assert ourselves and speak out in appropriate ways. Therefore, what appears to be “a bad temper” could be transformed into “appropriate assertiveness,” allowing us to live a more effective and empowered life.
There are aspects of our nature that we may be pushing away or repressing, not because they are inherently bad, but because they don’t fit in with how we want to present ourselves. Someone who wants to be seen as “strong” may be repressing aspects of their sensitivity or of their capacity to care. Someone who wants to be seen as “kind” may be repressing and hiding a ruthless tendency. Yet, a ruthless quality can have its time and place, such as in an emergency or when we need to convey a painful truth to someone to prevent them from causing serious harm to themselves or others.
Each characteristic, such as being strong, kind, or ruthless, and so on, has its time and place. If a situation calls for us to be ruthless, because that would be the right thing to do, but we always do the “nice” thing or the “kind” thing, that would mean that we are causing harm by omission. We may be supporting someone living a lie because we are afraid of conflict or overly concerned about what people will think of us. If, when it comes to doing something ruthless, we think, “Oh, I can never do that,” then we are limiting ourselves. In attempting to limit our capacity to do harm, we also limit our capacity to do good. We could think of the unskilled, immature, and untrained characteristics of ourselves as aspects of the Dragon. If we are always ruthless and never kind, then we need to learn to express the Angel aspect of ourselves.
Therefore, one way to look at personal development and our growth in Self Esteem is to see ourselves as being in an evolving relationship. This relationship exists between two parts of our inner self: “The Angel” and “The Dragon.” The Angel has an orientation towards the greater good, but lacks the practical capacity to act in the world. The Dragon, due to its worldly and materialistic orientation, can do things in the world, but lacks the orientation towards the greater good. We need wisdom to manage the energies of both the Angel and the Dragon and integrate them into our Selves. By combining them, we gain the Self Esteem that enables us to function effectively in the world, yet not be ensnared by its illusions and limitations. Let’s go more deeply into The Angel and The Dragon.
The Angel tends to serve others; The Dragon tends to serve itself.
Our nobler aspirations originate from The Angel and other parts; the more basic and self-centered aspects arise from “The Dragon.” The Angel is the part of us that aspires to the good and to serve the good. The Angel tends to serve others; The Dragon tends to serve itself. The Dragon sees everything from the perspective of “What’s in it for me?” This does not mean that The Dragon is evil. It is not necessarily bad; it is just self-centred. Indeed, The Dragon can influence us towards deviant behaviour, for example, if we allow ourselves to become callous, uncaring, and take what belongs to others. Yet, it is not intrinsically bad. It just has a very narrow, “Me first!” perspective.
Survival needs can cause our Ideal Self to be built around either being a good provider or being someone who can attract a good provider.
To function in this life, we need a certain amount of Dragon energy. We need to get our lives in order and have the necessities in place, including access to food, clothing, and shelter. We either need to provide these things for ourselves, find a mate who can provide for us, or discover some other situation where such things are provided for us. To do so, we construct an Ideal Self composed of the characteristics that enable us to achieve this. The need to survive prompts us to undergo a stage where the Ideal Self is often built around being either a good provider or someone who can attract a good provider. Yet, later in life, we may find ourselves wanting or needing to live life more deeply.
What happens to many people is that The Angel awakens and seeks to influence them. The Angel aspires to serve the greater good, so as it awakens, there is an inner pressure that takes us beyond being self-serving, or beyond concern for ourselves and our immediate family, to serving a higher, nobler purpose. This sets up a potential conflict between The Angel and The Dragon. We can’t function in this life without The Dragon, but The Angel offers us a broader and deeper perspective of life and a more meaningful and fulfilling purpose for living. The Dragon energy provides a limited life experience, dominated by our personal needs and the accumulation of material possessions. We may feel that something is missing if it dominates us too much. The Dragon can cause us to seek more and more stuff, or more and more power or success, but this will not satisfy the inner longing to serve something higher, coming from The Angel, which is also within us. The influence of The Angel affects our Ideal Self, as we no longer want to become the person we once envisioned ourselves to be. It affects our Self Image as we re-evaluate who we currently are, and it affects our Self Esteem as we face what might suddenly be a large gap between our current Self Image and our newly forming, still-evolving Ideal Self.
As The Angel awakens and seeks to influence our path in life, this challenges our Self Esteem. The challenge can be particularly significant in terms of our Self Respect, as our sense of purpose will need to change, possibly in dramatic ways. The old life we lived and the roles we played no longer suffice. It may feel like they were just a warm-up, at best, to something else. But it is not about ditching The Dragon, and deciding our previous life was all wrong; it is about finding a harmonious resolution between The Angel and The Dragon. Each stage of life and each aspect of life is valid in its time, and each has its place. There is no need to disparage the person we were; it was all vital for the next step, which is to resolve the conflict between The Angel and The Dragon.
The conflict between The Angel and The Dragon gets resolved as we find a “noble middle path” between them.
The conflict between The Angel and The Dragon gets resolved as we learn to accept that they are both parts of us and find a “noble middle path” between them. This means that we combine them to make our noble aspirations practical, meaningful, and helpful to others. We learn to use each of their energies as appropriate. The drive to be self-serving gets balanced with the drive to serve others. We learned to be self-serving, up to a point, so that we can have a fulfilling physical existence. We then learn to serve others, allowing us to experience our existence as worthwhile by serving something beyond ourselves. Eventually, the drive to serve others becomes our primary motivation as we increasingly realize that serving others also serves us in return. This becomes possible because our sense of “self” expands into the larger “Self” that encompasses more than the initially isolated and separate self we initially perceived ourselves to be.
Dragon energy empowers us to establish boundaries and enforce them when necessary. In this way, we demonstrate wisdom, which is essential for loving effectively. When we lack healthy boundaries, the ways we can serve the greater good may get sidetracked and dissipated by narcissistic individuals. Narcissistic people may live off us, but might not grow from being with us. When we truly serve others, we often grow in some way ourselves. Otherwise, this is a possible sign that we are not serving them; we are just stuck.
The Angel and The Dragon offer us a functional duality that clarifies the widely different range of qualities available to us. By coming to terms with our potential in this way, we can construct an Ideal Self appropriate to our life purpose. The Dragon gets us involved in the outer world; The Angel gets us involved in the inner world. We need what both have to offer to discover and fulfil our purpose in life. Our Ideal Self, the person we aspire to become, should encompass reflective qualities such as openness and compassion, as well as dynamic qualities like boldness and courage. We need to be able to engage effectively with both the outer world and our inner world, so that we have something worthwhile to offer the world. In this way, our Self Esteem blossoms as we have high levels of Self Respect, owing to our strong sense of purpose, and we grow in Self Confidence and Self Worth in whatever ways we need to serve that purpose.