“Why are you so upset? All I said was…”
If you’ve ever found yourself in a situation where someone completely overreacts to something you said, and you don’t know why, please read on. It often has something to do with Relational Communication.
Relational Communication is something I was completely unaware of until I came across a video about it while working as a technician in a university video unit in Glasgow. I was spending my lunchtimes working my way through all the Psychology videos the department had when I came across one called Relational Communication. The topic was an eye-opener for me, and it was one of the things I discussed with Alex Main, the Head of the Psychology Department. Despite my being a lowly “technician,” and he a Professor of Psychology, he had very kindly taken me under his wing, so what follows is also partly due to his wisdom and insights.
Perhaps your partner or friend has a surprisingly intense reaction against something you just said, and in shock, you wonder to yourself, “Why are they so upset? All I said was…” Relational Communication is about a more nuanced version of, “It is not what you say, it’s the way that you say it.” You might have an inkling that their reaction was due to how you said something, rather than what you said, or that it might be a combination of both. What we need to explore is being more aware of the “how” in what we say, as well as in what others say. This enables us to see more clearly the effects of how we communicate because it can impact all our relationships.
Relational Communication has to do with how we relate to the person with whom we are communicating. More to the point, it is about the way the person feels about the way we are relating to them during our interactions. Are we speaking down to them? Is our tone of voice friendly and encouraging, or dismissive and mocking? Is the way we hold ourselves physically a display of dominance or submissiveness? Is our body language giving away feelings that we don’t realise we are displaying?
When we say something to another person in spoken words, we are often sharing something factual. We could say something like, “Nice weather.” However, we have probably all had occasion to say something like that with a sarcastic tone of voice, meaning that we are disgusted with the weather. Although Relational Communication encompasses much more than this, sarcasm is a helpful example of one way our tone of voice and body language can be used to convey a meaning that differs from our words. Therefore, in our verbal communication, we can express “facts” and, by using our tone of voice, convey how we relate to or feel about those facts. This begins to partially reveal the inner workings of Relational Communication, as it shows that our relationship to what we are saying can differ from what our words imply. Yet, most people can discern our true meaning.
The Other Dimension of Relationships
There is yet another dimension of “relationship” going on when we speak to someone. In addition to expressing our relationship with facts, we can also express our feelings about our relationship to the other person, in that moment. This much depends on the context of what has gone before. For example, if that morning the other person had said, “Let’s go to the beach this afternoon as the forecast is great!” Imagine that when we arrive at the beach, the weather is terrible, and we say, “Nice weather,” in a heavy, sarcastic tone. The person might feel that not only are we commenting about the weather, but that we are also having a go at them for getting it wrong.
Others may perceive us as being critical and judgmental, playfully making fun of them, or as being happy to be with them, depending on our tone and demeanor. In the above example, if we say, “Nice weather,” in a laughingly sarcastic tone, and our body language is playful, they are more likely to understand that our comment is about the weather, and that we are not saying anything against them. Even if we don’t say anything, we can be communicating disapproval or worse, just by being sullen and silent. If the person is feeling embarrassed because they were so wrong about the weather, they might feel bad about a “Nice weather” comment, no matter how we say it. They might feel hurt by any such comment, even though that is not our intention. When dealing with a sensitive person, we might need to say something explicitly to put them at their ease.
In a stressful situation, someone I was managing suddenly turned to me and said, “Stop speaking to me like I’m a dog!” That shocked me into realising that my stress was causing me to speak harshly and dogmatically to him. (Get it, “dog-matically”?). I immediately apologised, calmed myself down, and spoke in a kinder and more respectful tone. His upset was not about what I was saying, but how I was saying it to him. He felt disrespected, and rightfully let me know.
You are just as good as anybody else, and part of you will rebel if not treated accordingly.
I was glad my colleague made me aware of what I was doing, because how we speak to others can affect their Self Esteem. If someone uses a tone of voice, where they are “talking down” to us, which “says” that we are lower than them, and that they are somehow superior to us, that can be damaging to our Self Worth, if we let it. You are just as good as anybody else, and somewhere inside you, there is a part of you that knows that. If someone speaks to you in a way that does not acknowledge your true worth, worthy of respect, in other words, then something within you will react to that. This is proper because they are lying to you about your true worth, as you are not lower than anyone else, no matter your role in society. They may be the big boss of a large company, and you may be the cleaner, but so what? No other human being can determine your innate value.
Treat others’ Self Worth as precious and as important as your own, because it is.
If you happen to be the big boss and you talk down to the office cleaner, you damage your Self Esteem, because you are basing it on a lie. You cannot raise your Self Esteem by trying to diminish the Self Worth of others, though some attempt to do so. This is because your Self Esteem is ultimately based on the highest and best within you, and your ability to live by that; it’s not based on social prestige. The highest and best within you will not allow you to diminish others without facing repercussions, particularly regarding your Self Respect. It is better to treat others’ Self Worth as being as precious and important as our own, because it is. Besides, if others hear about someone, or witness someone talking down to others, it can awaken a primal urge to bring them down a peg or two – overtly or covertly.
As we learn to take responsibility for our own Self Worth, we become more immune to how others relate to us. If we become aware that someone is talking down to us in “authoritarian undertones” or using a “boss voice”, we can still treat them with a measure of respect, because that’s what we like to do with everyone. We can recognize that we are just as good as they are, because we are essentially just as good as anyone. Similarly, if someone is talking to us in “subordinate overtones”, implying they feel inferior, we treat them with respect and may even try to boost their Self-Worth. Being in a socially “superior” position to someone gives us an excellent chance to increase their Self Worth by treating them with greater respect than they expect.
Reactions in defense of our Self Worth can be extreme and even escalate into rage. Many social situations put people into positions of supposedly “superior” and “inferior”. This gives some people an excuse to talk down to others. We learn to repress our reactions to such behaviour, so we don’t get fired from our job, or have to leave a relationship we are dependent on, and the like. Yet, we can also find ways to acknowledge and deliberately defuse our reactions to any such offenses against our Self Worth, as that puts us in charge. When we can take charge of our own Self Worth, we will be able to continuously improve ourselves, more or less independently of what others say or do. We will truly be able to claim our independence and live with high Self Esteem.
Try this:
If you are finding yourself reacting to someone who is talking down to you, affirm to yourself that you are just as good as anyone else. Also, check out the Cultivating Self Worth chapter as well as the Affirmations: Affirmations for Self Worth chapter in Esteem Power book.