When you Forgive you win!
Our ability to forgive can have a profound impact on our Self Esteem. Many of us were brought up to believe that we “should” forgive, but the ones who told us this rarely, if ever, said how to do it. This unfortunate tendency, among those who preach forgiveness, not to teach it, has caused many people to go through life with a sense of being defective, not being good enough, and even with a sense of “sin.” To compound the issue, some religious leaders insist that we must forgive to be forgiven. That implies that anyone who does not know how to forgive (because no one has shown them how) cannot be forgiven. Yet, learning to forgive is relatively quick and straightforward (See the next chapter, How to Forgive).
I grew up as a Christian, and I remember many exhortations “to forgive,” but no one ever followed that up with, “And, here is how to do it…” For many years, I worried, as if I had some dark secret: “Am I the only person who does not know how to forgive?” It was not until much later that I discovered that few people knew how to forgive, including, it seems, those who said that we “should.” It would explain a lot if those exhorting us to forgive did not know how to do it themselves. It is not just Christians who have this challenge in learning how to forgive. I’ve spoken (and given forgiveness workshops) to many people, including those from other religious and from Asian countries, who face the same problem of wanting to forgive, but not knowing how.
By learning a simple method to forgive someone or ourselves, we don’t have to rely on inspiration in the moment to carry us through. It is unlikely that we will feel inspired to forgive someone if we are weighed down by bitterness, anger, shame, and guilt. Having a method is essential for most people.
There are many good reasons to learn how to forgive, one of which is to realise that when you forgive, you win. When we forgive, we put ourselves in charge of the impact that other people’s behaviour and external events have on us. We are not just at the mercy of fate; we are self-determining, and becoming aware of this empowers us and strengthens our Self Esteem.
We all like to think of ourselves as good people. Learning how to forgive and putting it into practice helps affirm our essential goodness and strengthens Self Worth. It empowers us to let go of anger, bitterness, fear, resentment, guilt, and shame, making it easier to tap into our inner wisdom and the well-being that comes with it. Forgiveness helps us untangle from toxic and unhealthy relationships by freeing us from the dysfunctional feelings that entrap us in those types of situations.
How to Forgive
Forgiveness is a process, not an act of will. Let’s use sleep as an example of this type of process. We cannot use our willpower to decide to fall asleep immediately and expect that to happen. However, we can use our willpower to create a situation that is more conducive to sleep. We can increase the chances of getting a good night’s sleep by establishing a habit around it. Yet, it is not really under our conscious control. Similarly, we cannot force ourselves to forgive any more than we can force ourselves to fall asleep. Yet, we can create a situation where forgiveness is more likely to happen and allow ourselves to “fall” into forgiveness.
Once we start using a method to help us forgive, we may well find that it is far easier than we expected. When I teach The Four Steps to Forgiveness, in the middle of workshops, people will look up with a happy, yet surprised, expression and say, “This is so easy! I thought forgiveness was hard.”
There are many benefits to learning how to forgive, including greater inner freedom, peace of mind, and a far less tendency to judge and criticize oneself and others. One of the most subtle and profound benefits of learning how to forgive is that you begin to heal the split inside yourself. Some of us feel this split because one part of us wants to forgive, while another part does not. These two parts begin to become reconciled through The Four Steps to Forgiveness. A deep healing can then take place within us: the part of us that wants to forgive and the part within us that does not become reconciled, as we go through the steps.
Forgiveness becomes much easier when you meet the genuine needs of the part of us that does not want to forgive.
We view both aspects of ourselves as having value, and they are both integral to the process of forgiveness. The part of us that does not want to forgive is not “bad,” it is usually trying to protect us from harm. Through The Four Steps to Forgiveness, we learn that forgiveness becomes much easier when we meet the genuine needs of the part of us that does not want to forgive. This helps us reconcile an inner conflict and strengthens our Self Esteem.
The Four Steps to Forgiveness
It is best to follow the Four Steps in writing until you gain some experience.
Step 1: Wanting – You write, “I forgive [who] for [what you want to forgive them for].”
For example: “I want to forgive John for shouting at me.”
Step 2: Current Unhappy Feelings: Write a list of your current unhappy feelings about the situation. This is best if it’s your honest gut feelings, not the nice, polite, or politically correct version. The list could include emotions such as anger, resentment, and a desire for vengeance.
Step 3: Benefits: Write a list of the benefits you will get from forgiving this situation. This will mainly be the opposite of what you are currently feeling. Sadness can become happiness, anger can become peace, heaviness can become a feeling of lightness, and so on. If you are unsure about the benefits, choose a few positive feelings that you would like to experience (e.g., happier, more at ease, more confident).
Step 4: Forgiveness Affirmation: Write an affirmation that includes the most important benefits you identified in Step 3.
You would write “I forgive [their name] and I accept the [your list of benefits from Step 3] which forgiveness brings.”
For Example, say you want to forgive “John” and that you wrote “peace” and “freedom” as the benefits you would get from forgiving this situation.
You would write: “I forgive John, and I accept the peace and freedom which forgiveness brings.”
Read the affirmation slowly in the silence of your mind at least seven times. Then, return to Step 1 and go through all the steps again, making any changes you want to what you wrote the previous time. Keep going round till you feel clear.
As you practice forgiving, your Self Esteem will grow in leaps and bounds. You will discover that forgiveness comes fairly easily and naturally to you, as it aligns with your inner nature. You will notice that you feel much happier when you forgive, because you are being true to the goodness of your deeper self.
How to Forgive Yourself
Forgiving yourself is one of the most generous and unselfish things you can do, as so many people around you will benefit from your improved attitude.
Some people say that it is best to learn to forgive yourself first, before learning to forgive others. What I’ve found in giving many one-on-one sessions and workshops on forgiveness is that the most important thing is to start with what appeals to you. Therefore, it is a matter of personal preference whether you forgive yourself first or forgive someone else first. In practice, it is often necessary to switch between the two. You might need to forgive yourself and forgive the other, even for the same issue. The most important thing with learning to forgive is just to get started and not overthink it.
Forgiving yourself is one of the most generous and selfless things you can do, as many people around you will benefit from your improved attitude towards yourself and life. When you forgive yourself, your whole attitude to life can improve, and your way of seeing yourself and others becomes gentler, kinder, more generous, and more loving. Also, you will naturally become more forgiving of others. It does not take much to realise that all this is of great benefit to your Self Esteem.
To forgive yourself, you may need to consider a suitable way to make amends to the other person. Making amends can be a beneficial thing to do, but be cautious of self-punishment masquerading as remorse. Making amends, or even thinking about making amends, should usually bring you a feeling of relief. Be careful that making amends is not some form of self-harm or self-punishment in disguise. Making amends may cost you, but it should not harm you.
If you have no access to the person you want to make amends to, consider doing so by proxy. Be particularly kind, generous, or helpful to someone of the same race, group, or type of person – or even just someone at random.
Do you believe God has to forgive you before you can forgive yourself? If so, ask yourself how you know that has not already happened. Then complete the Four Steps a few times and see if you are any clearer.
Step 1: I want to forgive myself for:
Pick one specific thing.
Example: write, “I want to forgive myself for getting angry and saying hurtful things to my brother.”
Step 2: Current Unhappy Feelings:
List the feelings you have around the event. You need to acknowledge those feelings to release them and move forward.
Example: Write, “fear of being punished, self-reproach, self-hate, guilt, shame, etc.”
Step 3A: Benefits to You
List the benefits that will come to you as you become able to forgive yourself. The benefits can include being free of the feelings you listed in Step 2, and feeling their opposite. Benefits depend on what is relevant to the issue you are addressing. The benefits can include peace of mind, inner freedom, a better relationship, or getting a better job, depending on what is relevant to the issue you are forgiving yourself for.
Examples: “happier, freedom, be more relaxed, peace of mind”, and so on.
Step 3B: Benefits to Others
As this is a self-forgiveness process, we add an extra step, Step 3B, to the usual four steps. In this step, we focus on the ways others will benefit from your forgiveness of yourself.
Forgiving yourself can benefit others by helping you become a better parent, a more attentive friend, a better listener, and a more forgiving person, among other things. You might be less self-absorbed and more interested in others. You might become less needy and have more to give.
Examples: Write, “I will be more pleasant to be around (less grumpy, sour, and depressed), I will become kinder and more loving. I will have more to give.”
Step 4: Forgiveness Affirmation: Write an affirmation that includes the benefits you wrote in Step 3A, and which says that you want to forgive, and that you accept the benefits that forgiveness brings. You would write “I forgive myself, and I accept the (your list of benefits from Step 3) which forgiveness brings.”
For Example, say that you wrote “peace” and “freedom” as the benefits you would get from forgiving yourself.
You would write: “I forgive myself, and I accept the peace and freedom which forgiveness brings.”
Read the affirmation slowly in the silence of your mind at least seven times. Then, return to Step 1 and go through the steps again, making any changes you want to make to what you wrote previously. Keep going around till you feel clear.
It is better to do the steps in writing at first. Start with small things, though you will find that with forgiveness, there are no small things. Even forgiving yourself for what seems a petty, minor thing that happened long ago can cause significant changes. Go through all the steps at least a few times, and you will see how the ability and capacity to forgive build within you as you do so. Add things, change the words you use (if you want) as you go around. Linger over the steps where you feel movement happening within you.
Try this:
Check out these videos that can help you learn how to forgive.
How to Forgive: glofig.com/yt1
How to forgive yourself: glofig.com/fs
What is forgiveness? glofig.com/wf
Happiness, Success, and Forgiveness: glofig.com/hsf
Shocking Reasons Why You Cannot Forgive (and how you can): glofig.com/rw
Tough Forgiveness: Forgiving the difficult people and situations: glofig.com/tf