A cynical attitude harms your Self Esteem, because it demeans the life of which you are a part.
Some become cynical because they assume it protects them from disappointment. Others see being cynical as projecting a “wise and worldly” persona. However, becoming cynical is like making yourself sick because you fear getting ill. Such a bitter attitude harms Self Esteem, particularly Self Respect, because it demeans other people and negates life by expecting the worst. A lot depends on whether the cynical attitude is moderated by other qualities such as humour, playfulness, and compassion; otherwise, it is likely to come across as bitter and resentful and turn the person into a social pariah. “Why does nobody like me?” the cynic might wonder. Could it be because an incorrigible cynic pours scorn onto anything good and worthwhile in life?
Cynics believe their cynical perspective is “proven” to be right by the way things work out. However, it is not hard to convince ourselves of something if we want to. Anyone who digs around long enough and ignores contrary evidence can do that. Therefore, the cynical person, determined to expect the worst from people and life, can usually find justification for their jaundiced views. They forget that the human mind is designed to look for proof of what we want to be true, and will cheerfully (or in this case cynically) skip over anything which contradicts those assumptions. This type of cognitive bias keeps the cynic fixated on their pre-determined beliefs.
There is nothing inherently wrong with being aware of how a particular situation or person could harm us and considering what we can do to keep ourselves out of harm’s way. We all know the adage, “If it seems too good to be true, it’s probably not true.” Yet, we need to ensure that how we protect ourselves doesn’t put up barriers to good coming our way. We also need to ensure that we are not undermining the very foundation of Self Esteem. We are right to protect ourselves from scammers, fake news, and those who are out to harm or manipulate us. However, having doubts about someone or being sceptical is not the same as being cynical, because being cynical means we constantly harbor bitter doubts, even when there is proof to the contrary.
The quality of trust you offer should match the quality of the communication you are experiencing.
If someone we don’t know offers us some proposition out of the blue, we are right to be wary. Trust takes time to build. We are right to doubt anyone who does not respect that process and tries to push us out of our comfort zone. Especially if they are expecting us to trust them about an important matter right away. Trust and communication are opposite sides of the same coin, and the quality of trust we offer someone ought to match the quality of communication we experience with them; and vice versa. Someone trying to badger, bully, or scare us into a hasty decision, based on little or unclear information, is not offering high-quality communication. Such low-quality communication signals that we are justified in feeling a lack of trust.
You can be sceptical, without needing to be cynical.
The anger and shame resulting from feeling we have been made a fool of are detrimental to Self Esteem. It is wise to try to protect ourselves from such experiences. We can be sceptical, without needing to be cynical, and to this end, it is helpful to know the methods commonly used by those who aim to influence or manipulate us. We can do more easily when we are fully aware of how we can be charmed and beguiled by those who might not have our best interests at heart. The usual ways we are “influenced”, or manipulated, are fear, anger, vanity, and greed. The fear of missing out (FOMO) is commonly used to get us to take action immediately. “Buy now while stocks last!” and its many variations are attempts to push us into taking action rather than thinking things through first. Additionally, being offered the opportunity to be part of a “special” or “select” group can play to our vanity and lure us into situations where we supposedly get to hobnob with “important people” of some kind.
Greed is based on something for nothing, or a lot for a little. Claims such as “The stock price of this company has multiplied by 20 times in the last year” fit into this category. We may rationally know that what happened to a stock price in the past may have no bearing on what happens next. However, Advertisers, influencers, and the like are aware of this, so they bombard us with bright colours, pull us into watching a “free” seminar (in other words, a sales video) or long screeds of text with multiple “special offers” and “bonuses”. This is all intended to get us emotionally fired up and forget about being reasonable. It is essential to be aware of these ploys to make educated and carefully considered decisions, rather than being subject to the impulses of the moment. In this way, we can prioritize giving our time and money to what matters to us.
Influencers often use fear, anger, and indignation to create or maintain a cohort of people with similar views for political, social, or financial purposes. They present a cherry-picked, heavily edited view of some “dumb” or “foolish” thing someone on the opposing side has said or done, to reinforce a sense of “us and them”. If influenced in this way, we can ask ourselves what a balanced and fair-minded perspective would be. (We’ll explore this further in a later chapter about influencers.)
When tempted by such things, I like to ask myself, “What is this appealing to in me: fear, anger, vanity, or greed?” If it’s just a bar of soap being pushed, it’s no big deal. Yet, even in those minor situations, it can be helpful to recognize the type of influence being used so we can better handle more complex situations, where the stakes are higher and the emotions more intense.
The commitment to trust happens after we have had a proper chance to consider the situation, not before.
Kind and well-meaning people, in particular, need to protect themselves, and their Self Esteem, from potential manipulators, but wisdom can be a better ally in this than cynicism. To do so, we need the wisdom to recognize our weaknesses and foibles and discern what is being used to influence us. Wisdom and discernment enable us to approach each situation and person with a willingness to trust, but not necessarily a commitment to do so. We can be willing to trust but not yet committed to trust. The commitment to trust occurs after we have had a proper opportunity to assess the situation, and not before.
We can learn to recognize when our vanity is being exploited or when greed is being used to manipulate us. Then we at least have a chance to base our lives and decisions on the values and principles we want to live by, rather than our foibles. If well-developed, our Self Respect can protect us from this kind of harm, as it has much to do with our values, and anything not aligned with those can seem trivial and unimportant. We will have more important things to do with our time and energy than squander it on side issues. It is less likely that we’ll let our vanity lead us into trying to bolster our self-importance by being part of a group of “important” people, who are not doing things we care about anyway. Such things will typically be offered to us using phrases like “a special occasion“, “a unique opportunity”, “one-time only discount”, “Offer ends today!”, and so on. These things have their place, if they meet a genuine need, but your Self Respect can help you avoid such things if they are not what you need.
If duped or scammed, become wiser but not bitter.
The shame and remorse that arise from being duped or scammed can be intense and may tempt us to become bitter rather than wiser. We need to protect our Self Esteem at those times, but not avoid the facts of the situation. We might have been caught off guard in a moment of weakness, even though we usually know better. It is better just to be honest with ourselves. Yes, we made a mistake, maybe a huge mistake. We got fooled, and that is all there is to it. This is a golden opportunity to strengthen our character by facing facts. There is no need to fudge the reality of the situation or beat ourselves up. Sometimes the price of developing a stronger character means losing some money or dignity; that is a small price to pay for a noble character, which is priceless. We need to forgive ourselves, perhaps even forgive those involved, and move forward.
I was tempted to become bitter and cynical when I traveled a long way to visit a woman I had become romantically attached to. She turned out to be a scammer. I was very tempted to wallow in shame and be down on myself. I was also tempted to get unfairly cynical and blame “women” in general. But I saw this was just a way to shift the blame onto others. I realised doing so would get me nowhere. I needed a clear view of my mistakes, as that was the best way to avoid making them again, rather than clouding my mind with too much remorse, self-recrimination, or blaming myself and others.
In hindsight, I realised that there were some obvious signs that all was not right with this “romantic” situation, but I had avoided taking steps to investigate further. I saw that romance was my blind spot, and I needed to be extra careful in those situations. It dawned on me that surely affairs of the heart deserve as much attention to detail as financial affairs? I did not tend to take such foolish risks and act so impulsively or mindlessly when it comes to money (which is why I did not lose much financially to this scammer); so why do so when something even more crucial, such as matters of the heart, is at stake? I finally learned my lesson and do a bit of judicious fact-checking, rather than getting swept away by romantic impulses. At least I hope I have, time will tell.
If we are resentful or bitter about something, this is a sign that we have not moved on. We are stuck in the past, replaying an old story that no longer serves us. Why stick with the pain of the past – unless we want to “prove” something? That “something” could be that we are stuck in being a victim, or we are gathering more “proof” to show how difficult our life is, and so on. Would it not be better to prove how good we are at rising above circumstance and how we can learn and grow from every experience, no matter what? In this way, we can use our life challenges to deliberately and specifically learn and grow. No matter what happens, we can become a better and wiser version of ourselves.
Cynicism can erode Self Respect because it can negate the meaning and purpose of life. Therefore, it can negate your life and its underlying purpose. It can imply that life either has no purpose or has a nasty or negative purpose behind it. It can also be a negation of humanity and its underlying purpose.
Try this:
1. Next time you see an advertisement, try to notice what it is appealing to emotionally. Is the appeal to fear (FOMO), greed, anger, vanity, or what? Which of these are you most easily swayed by, and which affect you the least?
2. Notice what triggers a sense of cynicism in you. It may be a specific group of people, such as members of a political party or a social group. Are there ways you can have a healthy scepticism rather than being cynical?
3. Are there ways you can become more trusting of the goodness in others and the goodness of life while still protecting yourself?