You are worthy even if you have nobody to save.
When we become locked into a codependent relationship, our Self Esteem can become overly dependent on another person, who may not even be good for us. The term, co-dependency describes a situation where two people are locked into a dysfunctional relationship with each other. In this type of relationship, one person often has an addiction, and the other person is psychologically dependent on them. The person with an addiction is compulsively reliant on a substance, gambling, overwork, and so on; and the co-dependent is dependent on the person with an addiction, such as emotionally, financially, or otherwise. The person with an addiction needs the co-dependent to take care of them and to save them from the effects of their addiction. The co-dependent believes they need to “save” someone, and if they are not needed in this way, they feel worthless. The co-dependent needs to learn that they are worthy even if they have nobody to save. Each person in a co-dependent relationship becomes excessively dependent on the other, to the point where it can become unhealthy.
In this type of relationship, one or both of the people may have experienced abuse or neglect in the past. They may well experience more as part of the co-dependent relationship. The ways they are intertwined may make it difficult to leave the relationship, as it feels “normal” to them, being what they are used to, and may feel “just like home.”
Attempts to break free from addiction may be sabotaged by the co-dependent or by the person with the addiction.
Such relationships may persist for many years, or even decades, once a form of equilibrium has been established. It might be the best relationship that either person can manage, at least at the time. However, if one of them starts to experience a desire to change, the other can find this very threatening. It might mean the end of the relationship, at least in its current form. The person with an addiction may try to sabotage the co-dependent’s attempts to break free from the relationship, and the codependent may try to sabotage the person with an addiction’s attempts to overcome their addiction.
In such a relationship, both people can be propping it up by pretence and not being their authentic selves. They can be living a lie and hiding the truth from each other, as well as from themselves. One person could be pretending that they are not addicted (when they are); the other person is pretending that the relationship is “fine” and that they are happy (when they are fearful, miserable, or numb). Each supports the other in their pretence. They are also likely to be hiding or avoiding the positive truths about themselves, their unfulfilled life, their creative potential, and their capacity to express themselves in worthy and meaningful ways.
Living a lie is not a basis for feeling good about ourselves.
If we prop up someone’s Self Esteem, it ought not to be at the expense of our own. Maintaining a pretense to keep a co-dependent relationship going is unlikely to help our Self Esteem. Living a lie is not a basis for feeling good about ourselves or our purpose and direction in life.
In some types of co-dependent relationships, the two people have low Self Esteem and compensate for it in different ways. One person is compensating, with alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behaviour; and the other is compensating by being “needed”, even if the addicted person never acknowledges their role. In principle, it can be a good thing to help someone, and even give up something to do so, if it’s done out of positive feelings of caring and generosity. It is not a good thing if we make sacrifices to help someone because we feel that our needs are so insignificant that their needs are far more important than our own. That is not humility; it is low Self Worth.
Wanting to be needed can be so strong that it is like an addiction.
A co-dependent person is unaware, or in denial, of their own needs and is playing the martyr to meet the addict’s needs. Since the addicted person’s attention usually revolves around their addiction, there is little chance of healthy changes in the relationship. It can be challenging to extricate oneself from a codependent relationship, especially if a lack of Self Esteem causes us to be hooked into desperately wanting to be needed. This “wanting to be needed” can be so strong that it is like an addiction itself. For the co-dependent person, relationships become obligations. They can form strong bonds with others, but their Self Esteem becomes dependent on the intense “special” relationship they have with the other person. It’s likely that their friends cannot only be friends, but have to be “best friends”. Everything in their relationships becomes overly intense and overly dramatic. A co-dependent person tends to be too self-sacrificing, because they are out of touch with their feelings, not because they are truly acting from them.
If we have low Self Esteem, we may cling to our current relationship, no matter how difficult it is, because we fear that we might never find another one. We fear that nobody else will want us. Even if it is a toxic relationship, we may have irrational feelings of guilt and shame if we think about ending it, because we have convinced ourselves that the other person cannot live without us. We believe, “They will die if I leave, and it will all be my fault,” or the like.
It was the person who abused you who was in the wrong, not you.
Low Self Esteem can cause us to feel intensely guilty for any mistakes we make, or even for the suffering of others, when we are not at all to blame. Perhaps we experienced abuse and assume that we must have deserved it, so we must be “bad” or “defective” in some way. But it was the abuser who was in the wrong, not us. This can lead to overly eager helpfulness, which can cause harm. We could be preventing someone from facing the negative consequences of their behavior, and thereby allowing them to experience valuable lessons. Sometimes, the other person needs to go through their suffering, such as when it is a result of their own poor decisions, so that they can learn from it.
Breaking free from a co-dependent relationship, or any toxic relationship, can take work. It may take something as powerful and effective as a twelve-step program to break free of the deep patterns that cause us to get pulled into such relationships. Learning how to practice forgiveness can be beneficial (See the Forgiveness chapter), as it can help prevent us from being manipulated back into an unhealthy relationship through guilt and shame.
Try this:
See if any of these signs that you might be in a co-dependent relationship, or prone to being in one, apply to you:
You protect someone from the consequences of their actions, even though facing those consequences could make them grow up and become a better person.
Your Self Esteem mostly depends on what other people think of you.
You persistently prioritize the other person over yourself, often because you feel you are not good enough, rather than from a genuine sense of helpfulness and generosity.
You base your mood on how the other person is feeling. If they are happy, you are happy; if they are not happy, you are not happy.
You tend to be out of touch with your own emotions, but hyper-aware of how others might be feeling.
You are more concerned about approval from others than your own approval.
You feel guilty, ashamed, or anxious, and feel the need to explain or justify it when doing something for yourself.
You do things you don’t want to do, only because it will please the other. You do this because you don’t know how to negotiate for something that would please both of you.
You tend to apologize or take on blame, even when it’s not your fault, “to keep the peace.”
You tend to avoid conflict at all costs.
You have a strong fear of rejection and an intense fear of abandonment.
You secretly like it when the other person is out of control, as it gives you a chance to be in control.