For higher Self Esteem, deeply connect with others by being a good listener.
When I tried to make a good impression on someone, my attempts often failed. I would either talk about myself too much or freeze up because I couldn’t think of something clever enough to say. I would end up feeling disappointed, sometimes foolish, and that I had let myself down. The ability to connect with others is one of the keys to Self Esteem; yet, how to do so? I eventually discovered that one of the best ways to communicate with others and improve my Self Esteem is to become a better listener.
Trying too hard to make a good impression usually does not help you make a good impression
When trying to make a good impression on someone, it is easy to overdo it. We might try to impress them with our accomplishments, our job, our car, how much money we have, and so on. Alternately, we may try to impress others by focusing on our philosophy, our views on politics, life, current affairs, and so on. We might regale people with our opinions on health, yoga, meditation, and the like. Whatever our chosen topics, getting carried away in attempting to make a good impression may have the opposite effect. Usually, the more proof we provide regarding our worth, the more doubt we create in the other person’s mind, as we come across as trying too hard. Sometimes others will be kind to us if they see that we are struggling to make a good impression on them. They might even find it charming or endearing. However, others may perceive us as insecure, desperate, or needy if we come across as too eager to please.
If we genuinely like the person we want to impress, it can be even more tempting to overdo it and talk too much about ourselves, rather than taking the time to get to know the other person. Trying hard to impress people is a high-risk strategy, and it is exhausting. This is especially true if we don’t know the other person very well, because we don’t know their values, and we could inadvertently offend some values that they hold dear. We might be bragging about all our travels, only to find, ten minutes into our self-promotion, that they believe tourism is not ecological, or something similar. Additionally, the other person may be completely put off by someone bragging or sounding boastful. If we notice that they are not showing any signs of interest, we might start to sound and feel desperate, or give up.
Rather than trying to impress people, make a connection with them by listening.
Rather than trying to impress people, it is usually better to focus on making a good connection with them. We can establish a wonderful and heartfelt connection with another person, and even impress them with our intelligence and confidence, without needing to say much. All it takes is cultivating a genuine interest in people and listening to what they have to say.
There is no need to try to impress others with your brilliance. Instead, become a good listener as it is a lot less work and allows for much more relaxed and easy conversations. I found it much easier to get involved with others and feel connected to them through developing my ability to listen. Even if we are not particularly interested in the topic they are speaking about, there is something profoundly deep and meaningful in the eyes of every person.
Put aside wanting to be heard and focus on wanting to connect.
One tip is to watch their facial expressions and notice their tone of voice to see if you can sense the feelings behind their words. I usually notice what I think or how I feel in response to them, but I try to keep myself in check if I’m tempted to talk over them. Instead, I look for ways to encourage them to say more. Where there is a pause, I might ask any relevant and appropriate questions that arise as I listen to them. I might revisit a point they made earlier and ask them about it. Conversations become much easier when we put aside the desire to be heard and focus instead on wanting to connect. You may find, as I have, that this is a simple yet very effective way to build connections with people. The connection does not have to have a deep meaning, or “go somewhere”; it is just honouring the moment and exploring what connection we can have with that person at that time. The connection may be deep or superficial. It might develop into a long-term connection or just a brief conversation. By allowing it to be whatever it is and not trying to force things, I’ve found it much easier to connect with people, and they seem to find it much easier to do likewise with me.
To feel fully alive, learn to “be there” for people without always having an agenda.
Part of fully living, and feeling fully alive, is to have experiences when we can “be there” for people without needing to have an agenda. Whether the resulting conversations are chatty and playful or deep and profound, either way, they can be part of the rich tapestry of life. Many people are internally busy, waiting for their turn to speak, and as a result, they don’t listen to the cues that others are giving. They may be signalling that they want to discuss a particular topic, such as a personal matter, but if we are not truly listening, we will miss the hints. You might come across a person who really needs to talk to “someone”, or even “anyone”. Why not be that “someone” at least some of the time? I’ve had fascinating conversations with people and have learned a lot, mostly by listening well. Few things have enriched my life as much as improving my listening skills, so I highly recommend it.
Developing a sense of empathy, friendliness, and compassion for others fosters a deeper connection to others. It therefore breaks us out of the kinds of thinking and behavior that cause isolation, loneliness, and low Self Esteem. The skill of listening, truly listening to what someone has to say, has become lost in the busyness of modern life. We can get too caught up in wanting to express ourselves, be heard, speak our truth, and take our turn, to take the time to listen. Yet when we listen, in a qualitative sense, we communicate many positive things about ourselves. When we listen, we can demonstrate empathy, intelligence, confidence, and more. We can be “telling” the other person that we have those qualities by how well we listen and by how we respond to what they say. Good listeners are not common, so that in itself can make you stand out, in a good way. One of the benefits of learning to be a better listener is that it provides numerous opportunities to develop fundamental social skills and overcome nervousness around people, which can otherwise make conversations feel awkward and uncomfortable.
When we listen, we are giving the other person something of real value.
Listening is not a neutral act; it is an active one. When we listen, we are giving the other person something meaningful and valuable. We are giving them our time and attention. They may even experience this as something rare and unusual, and open up to us in unexpected ways. If this happens, it is important not to betray their trust by repeating what they say to someone else, or by taking unkind advantage of their vulnerability. Active listening is not a form of manipulation; it is intended to foster meaningful connections. If someone is using active listening as a covert form of manipulation, then this likely comes across as “creepy” to the other person. If we help someone, in some way, by our listening, then that is a win for us too, even if we never see them again. Having a helpful attitude helps us become better and more relaxed listeners.
I have listened in fascination to what someone is telling me, even when I am not particularly interested in the actual topic of conversation. Watching their facial expressions come to life as they delve into a topic they are passionate about can be a delight in itself. In such situations, if they later comment to me that I seemed very interested in “xyz” (whatever the topic of the conversation). I would cheerfully say, “Not really, but it was pure delight to see your face light up while you were talking about it.” That usually makes them laugh.
Ideally, in getting to know someone, you will end up with an easy flow of just enjoying the other person, and let your questions and comments arise naturally. But if you tend to freeze and have no idea what to do or say, below is a breakdown of the various parts that make up the ability to connect with others via Active Listening:
Tip: Practice these things whenever you can, and don’t leave them until a crucial conversation comes along. Start with one of these listening skills, and when you can do it automatically, add another. If the list below seems a bit too much, then cultivating genuine caring and empathy for people will help you do these things automatically anyway.
Connecting through Active Listening
Cultivating caring and empathy towards others is what enables us to connect with them.
- Make relaxed, easy, regular eye contact.
Maintaining eye contact is a key aspect of active listening. It shows that you are interested, or at least paying attention. Excessive eye contact can be intimidating for the other person, so stay relaxed and avoid staring. Focus on watching their overall facial expressions, which sometimes includes their eyes. Some suggest switching between looking at the person’s eyes and then their mouth every four or five seconds. When you look away, do it slowly, without darting your eyes. Look up or to the side rather than looking down at the floor. Looking down at the floor might appear as if you are not interested in them.
- Observe their tone of voice and their body language.
Does their body language or tone of voice tell you something? Do they look or sound tired or bored? Have their eyes glazed over because you are talking too much about yourself? If so, laugh and say, “Oh, I am babbling on too much. Please tell me something about yourself.”
- Don’t plan what you are going to say next.If you are busy planning what to say next, you are not really listening to them. Usually, you will know what to say if you have listened to them, as your authentic response will come to you naturally, without strain. If in doubt, ask them a question based on what they just said.
- Don’t interrupt or jump in.
Avoid interrupting them, as this gives the impression that you don’t respect them or care about what they have to say. This can be tricky if you are naturally quick in your thinking and responses, but take a moment to slow yourself down (perhaps by slowing your breathing) and learn to appreciate the presence of others. They are taking time to talk to you, so let yourself care about what they have to say. Allow for pauses in the conversation. Remember, pauses are natural in conversation, so allow them to happen rather than jumping in. You will connect with the person more fully, especially the subtle nuances of what they are trying to say, if you let them speak. Jumping in too quickly and too often with questions can make it feel like a cross-examination or interrogation, rather than a conversation.
- Don’t judge or jump to conclusions.
If you’re starting to judge them or jump to conclusions, take a quiet, deep breath and bring yourself back to simply listening. Let go of making up your mind about what they are saying until they have finished. Ask them questions in a congenial and friendly manner about what they have just said. You are not there to fix them or improve them; you are there to connect with them and see what happens. If they still give you a serious “Yuk!” feeling, then cheerfully move on.
- Signal that you’re listening.
An occasional knowing smile, nod of the head, saying “yes”, “ah yes”, “ok”, “really”, and so on can help the person feel comfortable and open up to you more. Don’t let yourself look distracted by fiddling with your phone, hair, or fingernails. Try not to look around as they talk, and if you do, say, “Sorry, I got distracted. Please tell me more.”
- Don’t try to fix their problems.
Sometimes, a person needs to get something off their chest. Many people are quite capable of knowing what to do once they have vocalised their problem. People mostly connect through feelings, and even a good answer to a problem will not go down well if delivered condescendingly. After they have discussed a personal issue, ask them what they think they should do about it. If they’re unsure and you’ve got some suggestions, you can say, “I’ve got some ideas that might work, do you want to hear them?”
- Ask questions about what they just said.
Suppose you are not clear about something they are saying. You can ask your question when they pause, “Sorry, I’m not sure what you meant about…”. This works, as it’s a relevant question, and it shows that you’ve been listening. You also get the benefit of more clarity about what they are saying.
If you aren’t sure about what they are saying, try a questioning or quizzical expression, or say a questioning, “Hmmm?”. That may prompt them to pause, allowing you to ask a question.
Open questions can also be helpful. “Really?`’, “How do you feel about that?” and the like. However, these are more useful in pauses to help the person maintain their flow and get to what they are trying to say. If they are already in full flow, then questions can feel like an annoying interruption. In that case, use the tips above in “Signal that you’re listening.”
- Paraphrase, summarise or echo.
Repeating a condensed version of what they have said shows that you have been sincerely listening, but this can be tricky to get right unless you have had practice. Sometimes, if someone is telling me about something dramatic that happened to them, I like to say, “If that happened to me, I would probably feel… How did you feel?” That creates a safe space, making it easier for them to discuss their feelings.
- Encourage them to go on.
This can be invaluable because it is the opposite of what many people do. If they have spoken for longer than they are accustomed to, they may stop talking, not because they are finished, but because they have become self-conscious and feel they should stop. This can be an excellent opportunity to signal your willingness to have a genuine connection by encouraging them to continue. You could smile and say, “Tell me more, if you are up for that.”
If they suddenly look awkward, stop in midstream, and say, “That’s enough about me, what about you?” Just say, “Oh, please don’t stop. I want to hear the rest of what you have to say”.
You might not feel like encouraging them to go on if they have talked nonstop for far too long. But go easy on them; it might be that they are so delighted and excited to find a good listener, and are letting off steam. They may be ready to listen to you another time.
- Don’t one-up them.Be careful if replying to them with something more extreme than what they just told you. For instance, their car broke down in a tricky situation, and you feel compelled to tell them about something worse that happened to you. This can be fine, but if not done carefully and sympathetically or with self-deprecating humour, it can sound like you are trying to one-up them. Your goal is to connect with them, not compete. It is usually okay to say, “I know what you mean.” Then tell a similar story with a feeling of camaraderie rather than superiority.
It takes conscious effort and practice to develop the skill of Active Listening. Primarily, it is about shifting your focus from trying to get yourself heard to practicing becoming a better listener, thereby improving your ability to connect with others. Add one of the steps above to your conversations, and when you feel comfortable with that, add another one. After you have had a conversation, imagine yourself in the conversation again, listening even more attentively next time. However, please remember that cultivating a sense of caring and empathy towards others is what truly allows us to connect better with people, and for them to feel connected to us.
The above is intended as some tips to get you started. Fortunately, many excellent books about it get positive reviews. It is mostly a matter of finding one that appeals to you. For a more in-depth exploration by experts in the field (which I don’t claim to be), search for “Active Listening” or “How to Listen.”